The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "I Say, Old Chap!" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" (a recent replacement for "Blame Bush") and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out preemptive strikes on three continents under the 'Just in Case' doctrine. The US state of Georgia still has an estimated 16% of its male population armed and patrolling the GA borders watching hopefully for signs of the Russian army; perhaps coincidentally, 16% of the GA population is primarily of Scotch or Scotch-Irish derivation.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels. Historically, it has occasionally escalated directly to the Scotch "Let's get the Bastards" level when the population perceives that the strategic UK malt supply lines are threatened. Once the escalation occurs, the only known method of de-escalation is victory and the Canadian government's announcement of "The Beer's Over Here, Boys", at which the Canadians return to Canada on the next available transport.

And in the southern hemisphere ...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!',
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and
"The barbie is cancelled".

So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. During WWII Australia remained at the "Need to Cancel" level for an unprecedented seven straight months, causing eighty-two percent of the adult Australian population to head overseas in the Scotch "Let's get the Bastards" mode. The stress produced by that circumstance is believed to have been culturally long-lasting. Ever since at the "Crikey" alert level the Australian population begins to spontaneously patrol the beaches and fling any observed foreigners into the ocean. The Indian embassy last year issued a "Crikey" alert for Indians living in Australia.